My son tells me that he's making a website of my quotes. I feel that someday this is going to be used against me in the court of law.
Ted: You know what would happen if all your friends were jumping off a cliff? You would have a beter chance of getting a job in the future because there would be less employees available.
See this antique? Don't touch it. Don't even look at it hard.
Ted's son:How do you look at something "hard?"
Ted: Figure it out. then don't do it.
Ted: Stop standing behind me. You're like death: always looming over me. Actually, death doesn't even know how to sew. I doubt he could use a loom.
(Ted's son says something Ted finds amusing)
Ted: You are one funny boy. How did you get to be that funny?
Son:Well, it certainly wasn't from my dad.
(Ted holds up bag of cookies)
Ted: You shouldn't say that. I have the cookies.